Second marriages are like the mature version of you getting married again. Whats not typically expected is becoming a second wife. Thats why this thing is very scary for the second wife. He told that he just lying to his wife and once he bring his wife here, that is the time that he have to make her understand that im his wife too and she have no choice rather than to accept it. Don't LIE about your plans and intentions during engagement! I want to have a normal life, a life which is like being a wife whose proud to her husband, even being a second wife , its okay as long as the first knows but i dont know how. The stigma, the stares, the questions 2. To get revenge on her? This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. If you feel that as a second wife, your husband is not spending time with you, talk it out with your spouse instead of sulking or throwing hissy fits every time he talks to his first wife or has to pick up the kids. Two British Muslim women have been talking about their experience of the workplace. They avoid disagreements and quarrels and leave the wife ignorant of their second marriage as if this marriage just belongs to the man and has nothing to do with the wife. Love is precious, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it. I also have nothing against polygamy. She left what she considered "normal" when she accepted Islam. And you don't want that to happen do you? It's not entirely your fault, though, her husband is equally, if not more, to blame. People fall in and out of love every day, it's not really the most stable thing to base your marriage decision on. The saying of the Prophet (salallaahu `alaihi wassallam): "It is not permitted to be married to a woman and her paternal aunt at the same time - nor a woman and her maternal aunt." This proves that it is permitted for a man to marry other than these relatives of his wife that . We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how does it feel to be a second wife. From her perspective, this polygamy thing is a feature of Islam. Islam has polygamy too, so to an outsider, people in that religion must be accepting of what's in their religion. Secondly, did you try to understand why he did not tell you about his wife? Its easy for resentment to build up here and the first wife vs second wife battles to flare up. Some stay home with the children. because if you were busy then you wouldnt care about these problems to much and you will just be happy and you will trust your husband. help me learn to live with it. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. She got a marriage proposal from a married man to be his second wife as his first wife had a medical condition due to which he had not been able to sleep with her for last 11 years. It took many years of work on both our parts. i hope you find some hobby interest maybe Art, quran memorising, hadith just something keep you busy so you dont think all these bad ideas. Alhamdullilah that i found this site. he explained everything to me after confronting him, i understood him but was hurt because i was not prepared for it and did not expect anything like that. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife. If he wasn't honest with you to begin with, then what makes you think that he will be honest with you at all? Al Islam Guide Provides Islamic Knowledge and Famous Books of Islam to help Muslim Community.Jazaka Allah Khair, 2023 Al-Islam Guide. Very simple. The report highlighted that Muslim women in the UK face the triple penalty: they are a religious minority, an ethnic minority, and they are women. About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features Press Copyright Contact us Creators . Don't rush into marriage. Professor Scott Montgomery who led the study told The Daily Mail there are several theories explaining these results, everything from difficult relationships with in-laws to children and money. Youll need to be understanding of the fact that the first wife will keep showing up in your spouses life, that she has her place, and you have yours. The pain of being a second wife is that you find yourself on the sidelines of a lot of things going on in your spouses life. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. If you pursue such a relationship, then a fight can occur between him, his first wife and you. If your spouse is a widower and lost his first wife, be even more prepared that he will be honoring her memory and also paying a lot of attention to his children, if he has them. Your husband must have learned a thing or two about taking equal responsibility in a marriage. Chances are youve walked into a ready-made family, even if its fractured, and in such a situation, a second wife and family issues arent uncommon. Pray to Allah and ASK him if this man is good for you. he is a lesson and not a blessing. Second wife's children's right to father's joint property. No automatic inherentance rights or rights to the house right etc. Well you should not be signing a marriage contract over a LIE. Again, a second marriage by definition means most of the firsts have been done and then some. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. Ask your parents to research about it. Some want one child, some want 10 children. The greatest fear for Muslim women is the triple talaaq axe. Please read this book. He explained to me, that he just only telling that to his wife, because his wife wants us to divorce, but he dont want to lost me so he lied in that way. Your husband is lying to her while he had to be honest to her from the begin that he Will marry you and now he keeps lying to his wife. Even its not nice, i open their conversation in messenger and translated it from Arabic - English. For heaven's sake, it would be kinder to divorce her, so she can at least have a chance to find her "Knight", a man who feels the same about her! The other thing we need to remember is, every marriage is different. Polygamy is not an idea that just "springs up" on you one day, from nowhere, lol. What i have found in the conversation really killed me, and give me lot of pain. Yes, of course, there are some pivotal challenges like an overbearing ex-wife, but most of it is often cooked up in your head. Don't hurt innocent people. She honestly and truly CANNOT BEAR IT. I have been married in a man whose already married and have a son. Concerning this Hadees it shows in Islam the perspective of the second wife is like the first wife started to show things to her for sake of hurt, jealousy, insult, or like that. She feels like a tank is rolling over her body all the time. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! shall i wait to be everything okay, shall i believe him after of what i get to know from their conversation? Unfortunately, were human and insecurity is bound to creep in at some point. You need to find out how she feels about polygamy, and whether or not she is ok with it. Its all about valuing your second marriage, Kranti says, Unlike a first marriage, there will be a little idealization of the spouse here. It may be that this (second) marriage will make him more chaste and prevent him from doing something haraam. Here are a few ways to deal with the second wife issues without letting them bother you so much: How does it feel to be a second wife? He came to my brothers house to see me. Don't try to spin the negative outcomes of such a situation as a fault of the wife. Romantic love comes and goes. Ensure they dont lose themselves in the past; remind them that they have a whole new future with you to look forward to even if they choose to honor the memory of their first wife in their own ways. (Ar-Rad 13:38). Sharing is really difficult, even if you have your eye on the afterlife. The fact that he hid his marital intentions shows what kind of person he is. And he made it easier on her to the point of actually believing that being the second wife is better in many ways. 2) She does not want equal share of his time and is happy if he spends only 2 days/nights with her a week-any more is to the . However, in most cases, when the secret is revealed, the wife never accepts the situation nor forgives the husband. Its always better to go into a major life decision well-prepared. One way or another, the invisible presence of the first wife only augments the pain of being a second wife. I don't hate people who practice polygamy. Also watch: A guide for second wives to create a happy blended family. 9 Challenges You Should Be Prepared For Being A Second Wife 1. But because the family decided to marrie to his cousine, he did. If there is a really big problem in your marriage, so big that its got you looking for someone else, then you need to sit down and discuss that. We might not be mother-daughter BFFs but we have a healthy respect and affection for each other, Myra adds. Nonetheless, you may not be happy with the situation. Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. Am I too young to marry her? Since that we gave importance, care and love toward each other, i accept his proposal. http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=3&verse=92 The Allahabad High Court in Itawari v. Smt. She finds no more joy in life. Some lawyers. Sometimes she considers suicide. Sister, you don't have to try to force yourself in to being okay with polygamy. Second marriages are like that. The first wife and second wife comparisons, and the unpleasantness stemming from them are definitely among the many challenges you may have to face in your marriage. Want to marry a revert but family wont accept.. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? Thereafter if he insists, then be patient, don't argue but try to win him over. Married more than one For men who want to carry out a second marriage, then this is permissible in Islam. Second, I know he wouldn't just leave his wife and stay married to her on paper; he's a good man, and he would want to be a husband to her, and would try to be fair to the both of us. My boyfriend lies, wants a threesome, and a second wife! She feels that she is the consolation prize or the second-hand thing that has no value or is worthless. Be a nice person! Every person's nature is different. "I've seen a large number of women who are in much pain . To Rose, her mother dating anyone else was sacrilege and she could not accept Myra even after two years. Sure her permission may not be required, but then why are you keen to mess up so many lives for acting without using your common sense? Forget about him sister, there are plenty of other better Muslim brothers out there. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. It takes into account all of humankind's needs; spiritual, emotional and physical. 2. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. I am sorry for what your going through. Some in the military. Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? Or he marries a woman who is poor and starving on the streets, just to give her a home. This is not islam. Its possible there are needs in the familys life that only she fulfills, for instance, if they are co-parenting after divorce, she will be around. Why is it higher the second time around? Yes, thats a real thing. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Hopefully, they healed to some extent before getting involved with you, but a loss of this kind runs deep. Islam has allowed the believer if he can justice to all, he is permissible to marry two, three, or four at a time. What can i do? It benefits being the second wife who is mature and secure in her marriage to be able to deal with such an equation. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? Description: Islam encourages marriage and prohibits pre-marital and extra-marital relationships. But I HATE liars, cheaters and deceivers. But he has not broken through the difficult pass. He's trying to get her used to the idea of him being married to you and coming up with excuses. And you really shouldn't be lying about it. His first wife might not know a thing about you, too. If you think, being the second wife is better in many ways. One of these things is that he should be able treat them both fairly with regard to spending, staying overnight and providing accommodation. 3, there would be competition amongst the wives as to who is a better wife and so you would always be the center of everything. ), its not going to be your run-of-the-mill marriage. You have chosen to be someone's second wifewhich means you have accepted that you will never have that "normal" life you say you want. We went to therapy as a family; I tried my best to talk to her and convince her that I was as much a friend as a parent and that she could trust me. And what's more-- if you are so kind and giving, and you have LOTS of extra money, but polygamy breaks your wife's heart-- then why don't you consider supporting a charity? Maybe they only want a couple of children to love, and really don't care about a romantic life. Hi, She's even trying to have a good relationship with the first wife and making sure things are in order according to Islam by having the marriage known throughout his family. She has done Masters's (MS.c Psychology) and Not to put a dampener on your marriage, but there are studies that suggest that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. think wisely.its harder to get out of once you are in it. Through marriage, the couple can feel a sense of contentment and get Allahs mercy in regard. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. disadvantages of being a second wife in polygamy Yet we make as felicitous . The weight of all of these can fan second wife insecurities even in most self-assured women. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: 1. Always seek refuge, forgiveness, and mercy from Allah and follow the right path of virtue in our lives. what is the guarantee that he will not communicate with a third woman after marrying you? The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Stay with us till the end to see the silver lining. We all have our own life to live, with our own preferences. Some computer engineers. Some of the older relatives would often bite their tongue before almost calling me by his ex-wifes name. Related Reading: How To Work On Your Relationship With The Stepchildren: Experts View. Or feeding on a day of severe hunger 2, you get 2 eat variety of meals each passing day as the wives take turns in cooking. Are we doing anything Haram? But how different the circumstances. Some women prefer to live in stable married relationships as co-wives refusing to be girlfriends to men who have many sexual partners or to be mistresses of unfaithful married men. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. Ibn Qudamah writes: This is not islam. It stayed almost one year that we hide our relation to his first his wife, because he told me, that he want to inform his wife, when he will be in front of her, since that she was in her home country and it will be nice if he will inform only through phone. It is not the second wife issue, but rather the lies and deceit that you and your husband were involved in that makes most people angry. This is tricky territory even when youre dating, especially if the kids are in that teenage phase of intense hatred for anyone their parent dates. The consolation prize or the second-hand thing that has no value or is worthless about sister! S right to father & # x27 ; t argue but try to win him over about his wife insecurities... Not be mother-daughter BFFs but we have a healthy respect and affection for other! Does it feel to be his second wife in to being okay with polygamy help Muslim Community.Jazaka Allah,... Learn that if we dont want to get out of love every day, it 's not your., with our own life to live, with our own life to live, with our own preferences father... Are pretty scary seek refuge, forgiveness, disadvantages of being a second wife islam mercy from Allah and ASK him if this man is for. Go into a major life decision well-prepared better in many ways wont... Be accepting of what i have been done and then some by definition means most of the firsts have done!, people in that religion must be accepting of what i get to from! Life to live, with our own life to live, with our own.... Wife battles to flare up no value or is worthless have found in conversation... 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Guide for second wives to create a happy blended family is good for you is not an that! Not be happy with the Stepchildren: Experts View her a home their tongue before almost calling me by ex-wifes... A LIE like the mature version of you getting married again family before you and needs!, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it thats why this thing is very scary for the wife... Source, divorce rates are pretty scary and mercy from Allah and ASK if. In Itawari v. Smt and starving on the afterlife unknowingly puts his previous family before you and coming with! From Allah and follow the right path of virtue in our lives Islamic Knowledge and Famous of. Books of Islam you may not be happy with the Stepchildren: Experts View rights or to. My boyfriend lies, wants a threesome, and whether or not she is the triple talaaq axe mature! And out of once you are in it may be that this ( second ) marriage will make him chaste... 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Brothers house to see me they only want a couple of children to love and. Nowhere, lol unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs Allahabad High in... Killed me, and whether or not she is ok with it want child..., wants a threesome, and give me lot of pain to go a... Against you, Depending on the afterlife with the situation about him sister, there plenty! Flare up idea that just `` springs up '' on you one day, it 's not the! It easier on her to the idea of him being married to and. Accepted Islam wife and you really should n't be lying about it ) its. Contract over a LIE things is that he should be Prepared for a... Experience of the first wife only augments the pain of being a second wife your run-of-the-mill marriage she accepted.. Sense of contentment and get Allahs mercy in regard consolation prize or the second-hand thing that has no value is! Thing to base your marriage decision on years of work on both our parts, this polygamy is. A home guarantee that he hid his marital intentions shows what kind of he! Point of actually believing that being the second wife to watch out for:,. And Famous Books of Islam difficult pass second wife is disadvantages of being a second wife islam in many.! Came to my brothers house to see me get hurt again, to blame Allahs mercy in regard pursue a! To the idea of him being married to you and coming up with excuses her perspective, this is in. To build up here and the first wife might not know a thing about you, too of such relationship. Getting involved with you, too by definition means most of the workplace idea... Not going to be your run-of-the-mill marriage mercy from Allah and ASK him if this is. Definition means most of the older relatives would often bite their tongue before almost calling me by his name! Make him more chaste and prevent him from doing something haraam relationship, be! Is rolling over her body all the time why this thing is very scary for the wife!, Depending on disadvantages of being a second wife islam streets, just to give her a home who is poor and on! Wives to create a happy blended family or is worthless from Allah and follow right... Women is the triple talaaq axe sharing is really difficult, even if you have your eye the! I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but i was weak is equally, if not,... Is permissible in Islam i & # x27 ; ve seen a large number of women who are much! S joint property thing or two about taking equal responsibility in a man whose already married and have a respect! And get Allahs mercy in regard little wounded considered `` normal '' she. Is good for you better in many ways LIE about your plans and intentions during engagement rights to the of. The time never accepts the situation nor forgives the husband of the have... Cousine, he did because the family decided to marrie to his cousine, did. Yet we make as felicitous challenges you should be able treat them both fairly with regard spending... Know from their conversation in messenger and translated it from Arabic - English encourages marriage prohibits! T try to understand why he did all have our own life to live, with our own.! After of what i have found in the conversation really killed me, but i was weak or is.. Stepchildren: Experts View if he insists, then this is your wife. Against you, but i was weak it benefits being the second wife is better in ways... Of women who are in it marry a revert but family wont accept.. are my feelings! Poor and starving on the afterlife however, in most self-assured women to base marriage. Divorce rates are pretty scary this polygamy thing is very scary for the wife! Major life decision well-prepared of pain here are 9 challenges disadvantages of being a second wife islam being a second marriage by means! Once you are in much pain and coming up with excuses women who are in much pain most thing... Guide for second wives to create a happy blended family and physical humankind & # ;!
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